Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Yesterday sucked. Last night when I got home from work, there was water on my basement floor. I had to pay someone $99 to light the pilot on the water heater and tell me that I should replace it as soon as I can, to the tune of about $400. Not to mention that it was still 59 degrees in my house because the furnace was out, too. I had a friend come over and help me light the pilot for the furnace--at least I didn't have to pay him--thank goodness for friends. I was up past midnight mopping the floor, and the tank was leaking again this morning when I left for work. So I am not in a good place today, not at all. Especially since I can't stop thinking about the past weekend, and I got no work done yesterday because I was so distracted. So, today sucks too. And, I guess I should get used to these ups and downs because it's going to be like this isn't it?

So some things are catching up with me now since my SO moved out. I've been too distracted by work and travel to deal with it, but it's crashing down on me now. I came home to an empty house, an empty refrigerator, a cold bed... and I initiated it all. I brought it on myself. I made the decision that I would rather be alone, and now I get to be miserable. My single friends were telling me, it sucks to be single, and they are right. Do I want to go back? No way. My bridges are burned. Fire walk with me....and now for the recitation of manic poetry (thanks to Sylvia Plath):


Cold on my narrow cot I lie
and in sorrow look
through my window-square of black:

figured in the midnight sky,
a mosaic of stars
diagrams the falling years,

while from the moon, my lover's eye
chills me to death
with radiance of his frozen faith.

Once I wounded him with so
small a thorn
I never thought his flesh would burn

or that the heat within would grow
until he stood
incandescent as a god;

now there is nowhere I can go
to hide from him:
moon and sun reflect his flame.

In the morning all shall be
the same again:
stars pale before the angry dawn;

the gilded cock will turn for me
the rack of time
until the peak of noon has come

and by that glare, my love will see
how I am still
blazing in my golden hell.

Want some more? I just can't get enough of this stuff right now. I'm wallow in it...


Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

--Sylvia Plath

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